Candles Are For PuSSies
by Max Rasgar
Summary: Jane is not about to go scenting the air like Jo Friday but there's something pungent in the air. Jane thinks it can't possibly be food since nothing edible can possibly smell like that. Burnt food doesn't even smell like a tame version of wet dog and Jane has gotten a nose-full of both many times in her life.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: #dontownshit #brokeaf #sueyourself

A/N: It's been a full body stretch and yawn since I had some giggles with a particular subject matter. What you ask? Well, I'm talking about a modern snake oil salesperson and if you choose to spend money on their shit then that's your business just like me making fun of the scheme is mine. The last time I did this was with Emma & Regina a.k.a SwanQueen dealing out the quips for laughs. So in light of the latest item made available for public consumption I thought Jane & Maura deserved a go this time. This is 'cracky' but if you need context let's pretend R&I didn't start truly suffering in S4 and last all the way up until the end thanks to the writer's with their Hawking/Einstein love child intellect hard at work on their grand ideas of drama. Btw, Jane-Lo POV in charge up in here so enjoy yourself or not?

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**_Candles Are For Pu$$ies_**

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Jane rolls her eyes at the fact that Maura has left her door unlocked for the billionth time. Jane thinks that if Beacon Hill had any hood running around that Maura is not even making it a challenge for them. All that's missing is a goddamned cruelty-free made welcome mat that's grammatically correct. Jane opens the door and steps inside; it's not even worth reminding Maura that she needs to find some middle ground in making her door locks start earning their keep. Jane makes a face and then locks the door rather theatrically, without slamming it since Jane's not three and acting out, even though there is no audience. Not that Jane needs an audience just to amuse herself but it is more fun when someone else is there even if it just irritates the other person. In fact that might make it even more fun.

Jane turns around and then heads straight for the kitchen since that's where usually is Maura but sometimes she's hidden away in her yoga twisted up like a pretzel or bouncing on that huge ball thingy. Jane has wondered off and on if that kind of thing gets Maura horny like those little silver Ben Wa balls you can buy to shove up in your cooter can. Jane doesn't know if there's any truth in advertising there though since Jane prefers a nice dildo or her trusty vibe that's probably ready for retirement. Jane's aware that her clomping or stomping, depending on who you ask, has already given her away but she stops for a second because she smells something funky. Jane is not about to go scenting the air like Jo Friday but goddamn there's something way overpowering in the aroma department in the air.

Jane thinks it can't possibly be food since nothing edible can possibly smell like that. Burnt food doesn't even smell like a tame version of wet dog and Jane has gotten a nose-full of both many times in her life. Jane makes a face and strides the rest of the way into the kitchen and sure enough there's Maura fiddling with some green vegetable at the countertop, and as a bonus she has a candle burning on there too. Jane rolls her eyes as Maura looks up from the green substance that she's practicing her knife skills on. Jane grins and pulls out one of the chairs at the bar and sits down. Maura smiles and goes back to her chopping. Jane smirks at the notion that Maura likes to cut up things. Mostly dead people.

Jane slouches down in her seat and then rests her arm on the countertop and props up her chin in the palm of her hand, "Is that for Bass?"

Maura pauses her precise chopping and glances up at Jane, "No, but why do you assume everything that's green in this kitchen is for my tortoise?"

Jane huffs out a heavy breath, "I don't assume that everything green is for your turtle."

Maura sighs, "Tortoise."

Jane rolls her eyes, "Whatever, and besides I thought those posh strawberries was his kink anyway."

Maura reaches for the small towel by the cutting board and wipes off her knife, "I'm fairly confident that Bass doesn't harbor a fetish for fruit." Jane snorts. Maura is so easy to goad and she goes from zero to full on nerd in the blink of an eye. "Though if a Geochelone sulcata as a species in general, due to certain innate habits, could be labeled as having a kink then it would be Salirophilia."

Jane blinks and damn she's already afraid to ask but she started knocking the ball on Maura's side of the court so why not lob it back, "That sounds like a fancy salad at one of those snobby Back Bay joints. But what's a Sally lies on Philly kink?"

Maura tilts her head to the side and grins, "The people that have the fetish Salirophilia are aroused by rubbing soil over themselves or other people."

Jane raises an eyebrow since it's the best she can do in her tired state at the moment. Maura will just have to cope, "Sounds like a sandbox love they never outgrew. I bet those people ate glue too when they were kids."

Maura chuckles and Jane has always secretly liked being responsible for bringing that out of the good dead people doctor, "There are more, shall we say, unsanitary documented fetishes than merely dirt."

Jane hums and shit, the smell is getting stronger. Jane wonders just what in the blue fuck is Maura cooking, "Such as?"

Maura picks up a small garlic clove and deftly smashes it with the flat side of her knife and then turns around and tosses it into the low simmering pan on the stove behind her. Jane does not smell garlic so it's gotta be those stalk-looking things that Maura's cutting the ever loving shit out of on her cutting board.

Maura smiles and selects another stalk and resumes chopping, making sure to use proper technique to protect her fingers, "One of the most unsanitary kinks in my opinion as a medical professional is Fecophilia."

Jane scrunches up her face because this one couldn't be more obvious to her if it announced itself with its very own parade complete with a special brown-town marching band, "Is that what I think it is? You know people being hard up for...poop?"

Maura continues chopping, "That's correct. Though most prefer to call it skat-play."

Jane gags and then shivers at the images her mind wants to produce but she suppresses, "Fuck, that's gross. And really? Skat-play?" Jane suddenly feels like she has a bad taste developing in her mouth that might have nothing to do with the subject matter and everything to do with whatever is stinking up the room. "Skat! Is something you yell at a pesky cat and then if that doesn't work you start squirting them with water!"

Maura shrugs and it's then Jane notices that Maura has her fit for a shampoo commercial caramel-colored looking hair pulled back in a stylish low ponytail. Only Maura would make an effort to look this good while cooking in the privacy of her own home. Jane shudders to think how many extra miles Maura would go in the wardrobe department if she had her own chic-geek cooking show. A camera, a mic and YouTube could make it happen but you still gotta have the clickiest of baits for views.

Maura stops chopping, puts her shiny and large and lethal knife off to the side as she arranges her green chunks on the cutting board into a neat pile, "Then there's Eproctophilia."

Jane should've never opened to the door to this conversation but fuck it. Maybe it's the funky smell that is getting to her the longer she's being exposed to it. Maura seems unaffected though, aside from the disgusting topic being discussed, but that doesn't count since it's Maura and she's a gushing fountain of all sorts of knowledge. That and Maura is the proud owner of one of those super-smeller noses that can scent out deco faster than one of those cadaver dogs.

Jane wiggles in her seat and slouches a bit more, "Okay, on a scale of one to ten how disgusting is that one before you tell me what it is?"

Maura grins and it's that devious smile that Jane has come to recognize. Jane's not going to get a rating first. Maura's just going to go right to it, "People with eproctophilia have a fetish for flatulence."

Jane gags and then sits up straight in her seat as she tries not to throw up in her mouth. Her brain has just provided her with imagery no person should ever want to see. Giving someone a dutch oven in bed is one thing but to want someone to fart in your mouth cause it makes you horny enough to cum is just too much. Then Jane has a passing thought that there's people out there who'd get off on her wanting to vomit. Oh wait, Giovanni said that Maura's barf would be cute. He's one of those sickos but Jane knew that already. She went to school with the oaf and people don't really change aside from how they look on the outside. Aging is a bitch.

Jane's hand slips off the side of her face and lands on the countertop with a plop-like slap, "Jesus Christ and Mary had a little lamb that's!" Jane gags again a little and fuck a duck the smell that's been assaulting her nose since she walked in is kinda starting to remind Jane of hot garbage. Jane breathes in solely through her mouth which barely helps. "Hey, maybe those air biscuit lovers should get together with the mud butt lovers? It could be a match made in a portapotty."

Maura laughs and that's all Jane needs to make her evening a lot less sucky. However, if that smell would go away it'd be that much better. Jane's going to have to be tactful in trying to discover the cause of the stench since it might be whatever Maura's cooking and Jane's not trying to insult the cook when she'd rather kiss her.

Jane sighs and puffs out her cheeks as she slips off her blazer and then drapes it over the back of her chair, "Okay, enough with the kinks-a-lot STEM talk. Instead, tell me what green things are we cutting up this evening doctor?"

Maura smiles brightly as she inspects the green-white heap on the cutting board, "I have leeks."

Jane's eyebrows rise, "You have...leaks?" Maura frowns a bit which just makes her look cute. Jane's nose twitches, probably from the stink that's getting stronger, so she reaches up to rub it. "Yum, what kind of wine does that pair with?"

Maura narrows her eyes at Jane playfully, "Leeks, as in a vegetable not a plumbing issue." Jane smirks because she's being annoying on purpose and Maura knows that. It's just one element to their PG-13 foreplay at the moment before it goes to a hard R later and then, well Jane's not the kiss and gloat type. "I'm making a low carb Cauliflower Leek Soup instead of a traditional Potato Leek Soup."

Jane leans forward and rests her arms on the cool surface of the countertop, "Why?"

Maura picks up the cutting board with the Leek pile and then turns towards the stove and then dumps the Leek into the pan that's been quietly cooking the garlic. Jane realizes then that whatever has been terrorizing her nose can't be overpowered by garlic. Maura hums while she places the cutting board in the sink basin and then turns back around to face Jane.

Maura smiles and reaches for the small towel again but this time to wipe her hands off on it, "The leek and garlic are being sautéed in a mixture of olive oil and butter for the next ten minutes. From there they will be added to a low sodium chicken broth that's simmering in the pot next to it for approximately twenty minutes." Jane's head is starting to spin; they might be eating at some point in this less than fresh scented kitchen. "After that I will be pouring the cooked mixture into my immersion blender, to mix further until smooth, before serving. After that a little sea salt, pepper and chives as garnish."

Jane blinks and then waves her hand, "Okay, chill short Julia Child." Jane sniffs again and her nose wrinkles up. Jane's had it up to her eyeballs with the funky odor. "Is that what I'm smelling? Your Leeky soup?"

Maura makes a face but then she smiles, "Oh, no it's not any of the ingredients in the soup. What you're smelling is my new candle. It's quite original in terms of it's bouquet of fragrance."

Jane glares at the candle sitting off to her right. It doesn't looks like anything special at a glance but knowing Maura it's probably some weird-ass new age kundalini concoction farted out by bees before someone threaded a wick up through it. Too bad it's not John Wick. Jane grunts and hesitantly reaches for the small back jar that the candle is burning away in. Jane slowly pulls it towards her; sliding it along the countertop, and yeah the closer it gets this is the guilty offender to Jane's sense of smell. Jane's mouth forms a grimace as she gets a real nose full of the candle. Jane is tempted to blow it out but instead she twists it around and it's then she notices the white label slapped on one side of the candle.

Jane blinks at the words typed out in a nice unassuming font that's managing to come across as pretentious as fuck. Jane glances up at Maura and arches an eyebrow high on her forehead, "This smells like my vagina?"

Maura chuckles, "As you well know vaginas don't smell like that candle. It's just a marketing tactic that has proven highly effective."

Jane lightly shoves the candle away from her person, "Is this a joke? Have you been down at the mall browsing Spencer's Gifts during one of their 'everything must go' sales?"

Maura frowns at Jane but then she just shrugs, "It's a Goop brand candle that you most certainly won't find at a mall on sale." Jane rolls her eyes and yes, she knows that one of these days her signature move might do lasting damage if it's severe enough. Maura's nose wrinkles up as she pulls the candle closer to her. "I bought it as a conversation piece mostly. And to be honest the longer I've let the candle burn the more putrid it's fragrance has become to my olfactory senses."

Jane has never been less than generous with her eye rolls and she's not about to start today with this conversation, "Then blow that Goopy shit out already!"

Maura gets her cute angry face on for a moment before blowing out the rancid candle and sitting it aside on the countertop. But now there's the smell of pseudo vagina smoke in the air too combined with the fragrance that the cooter candle had already pumped into the space of Maura's house. Jane has no doubt that the damn candle costed more than five dollars but with the way it smells Jane wouldn't pay fifty cents for it if she found it all dusty and shit on the clearance shelf at Dollar Tree. Maura turns away from Jane and goes to stir her leeky green garlicky skillet of ultimate goodness with her brand of efficiency.

"So what's this Goop crap exactly? Last I heard it was an amazing glue but times they are a changin'." Jane tries to fan the offensive odors away from her face. But it's like trying to direct a blind fly away that's hell bent on flying up your nose or in your mouth. "Is it the new and improved Bath & BodyWorks or something?"

Maura taps the wooden spoon she is using on the side of the pan, "As a medical professional I can say that Goop is a company that promotes fringe health practices that are suspect, misleading, plainly ill-advised or veering into dangerous." Jane is intrigued but she doesn't see what this has to do with a taint candle. Maura lifts the lid on the pot simmering beside the pan and uses her wooden spoon to stir it's contents. "Goop consistently made headlines by selling jade eggs that you insert into your vagina which is dangerous given how porous jade is. The bacteria present that you would be introducing into your body." Maura frowns and shakes her head, pulls her wooden spoon out of the soup and then replaces the lid on the pot. "No credible doctor endorses the products or practices that Goop is known for. The company has thrived though mostly due to the fact that the industry it panders to is unregulated while at the same time it's in an environment ripe with desperation."

Jane pushes a hand through her hair. Maura is getting philosophical over a candle that she shouldn't even have bought to begin with, "Wait, I know who you're talking about now. I can't think of her name." Jane snaps her fingers which is like a jumpstart to her brain. "But a couple of years ago she was preaching about steam-cleaning her lady parts?" Jane grimaces because the idea of doing that to your vagina sounds like the thing to do when you hate yourself. "That actress from the Avengers movies. I can't ever forget that she actually said: I am who I am. And I can't pretend to be someone that makes twenty-five thousand dollars a year." Jane mimics an indifferent, haughty bitch nasal tone which is more of a stretch than her valley girl accent. "Or that every time she gets a bikini wax Cameron Diaz has to hold her down." Maura snorts and Jane whips out her best fake pout for a moment. "And I don't know why I'm not surprised that she chose to call her business venture fucking 'Goop'."

Maura grins and shrugs up one shoulder, "I suppose you wouldn't be interested in hearing about the sex toys she sells?" Maura smirks while getting this playful twinkle in her eyes. "I find them rather infantilizing options though that are the supposed stereotypical objects of female desires." Both of Jane's eyebrows creep up on her forehead because Maura is always down for talking about sex like Salt N' Pepa. "The vibrators Goop sells are named: The Fireman, the Tennis Coach, the Frenchman and the Millionaire."

Jane gapes for a moment. She has never thought about inviting any of those so-called fantasies into her pants, "What is wrong with this woman? Even lesbians aren't this fixated on vagina's. Horny straight guys though, oh hell yes!"

Maura laughs and once again turns around to stir her pan of Leek and vampire deterrent. Jane silently enjoys the sound of Maura's chuckles until they stop for her to sample the stuff in the pan. It must be right as rain because then Maura proceeds to take the lid off the large pot and then adds the Leek and stuff to the soup pot. Jane will happily eat the soup either way but it wouldn't be the same if she didn't complain about it before, during and maybe after.

Jane taps her fingers on the countertop, "So in her infinite Hollywood-bred wisdom she had to have a candle made that reeks of her...lady bits?" Jane makes a face because fucking privileged rich people! Maura is the only good one. She's doing something useful with her life. Not spending her time posing like a plastic bitch on the red carpet to stay relevant enough to be cast in something or pimping an overpriced perfume that you could find at Hot Topic for cheaper. "Normally, I wouldn't ask but how much did you pay for the old cooch candle that could destroy a person's sense of smell if they were exposed to it long term?" Jane sniffs and it's going to be awhile before her sinuses exercise that demon of a candle. "I can't believe you paid money for that thing."

Maura stirs the large pot and replaces the lid, "What else would I use to pay for it?"

Jane snorts, "How much?"

Maura turns around and smiles at Jane, "Seventy-five dollars. Elton John bought quite a few of them."

Jane's mouth drops open slightly, "Seventy-five dollars for a candle!" Maura shrugs again and then the rest of Maura's sentence filters through. Jane blinks very slowly. "Wait, forget what you paid for, hmm." Jane sighs and then rubs her hands down her face. "A man that's as gay as a Maypole shelled out money for a vagina candle?" Jane feels like she's talking slow too but only because her mind is going into error code (thanks Frost) over trying to understand Rocketman's logic. "You have to help me out here cause I'm lost."

Maura smiles that megawatt smile and Jane's poor brain stutters and fumbles even more, "The candle doesn't actually smell like a vagina. It's not possible given the odors that a vagina can emanate can vary based on diet and hygiene." Jane feels herself nodding as Maura moves around the kitchen island towards where Jane is seated. "The candle is actually a blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, cedar, Damask rose and ambrette seed hence why it's quite pungent. And Elton likely bought the candles for the same reason I did."

Jane slouches a lot less while she pivots to the side to keep a better eye on Maura. Not that Jane's eyes so much as dare to stray far from her, "So Gwyneth wants us plebs, who can't or won't put out for her candle, to believe that her goopy hot pocket smells like a rose by any other name?"

Maura's laugh is low and melodious as she approaches. The closer she gets the more Jane's heart rate kicks out the jams faster which is nothing new. Jane hasn't needed to downplay how Maura makes her feel in a long time. Maura stops in front of her and gives her the look; meaning Maura is in the mood for a little something before dinner is ready. Jane loves the game that they've perfected over the years though they've had to cut back on the flirting over the dead body deal in public.

Jane smirks and uncrosses her legs, "So is Pepper Potts next venture to meticulously craft a candle or an essential oil to peddle to people with more money than common sense that smells like what? Her period? Boob sweat? A queef?"

Maura grins and tilts her head to the side, "What's a queef?"

Jane chuckles under her breath. She's not going to explain what a queef is to Maura. On second thought though maybe she should since Maura loved discussing Korsak's gas output years ago that time when he was going overboard with his fiber intake. That turned out to be the night; Constance's art installation. Jane stood up for her best friend and not only did she help fix Maura's relationship with her mother but Jane ended up with a girlfriend and a best friend in one package too a few days later. Jane grins as she thinks back on that night but presently it could also be that Maura is messing with her simply to hear what Jane's got to say on the subject. Jane feels the need not to disappoint her audience.

Jane licks her lips and then smirks, "A queef is the term for when your baby chute lets out a toot." Maura laughs again and places a hand on Jane's thigh. "It can happen while you're bumping pelvises or on other less intimate occasions it can happen when you're sitting down and a regular chocolate starfish-origin fart tickles up and then slips out the front butt." Maura lightly pinches Jane on the thigh and Jane flinches. "And you just wanted to hear me say all that shit since I'm not buying that you didn't already know, Dr. Isles."

Maura places a hand on Jane's other thigh and Jane automatically opens her legs a little, "I will neither confirm nor deny any such knowledge." Maura's hands lightly squeeze Jane's thighs. "I find your explanations, while crude, are bluntly informative."

Jane is vaguely offended or at least she's going to pretend to be so she won't read 'easy and aroused' to Maura, "In that case I'm thinking in celebration of your vagina candle and its heritage we should take a candle-making class together and make our own blowout of a candle?" Maura smiles brightly again but Jane isn't mad about it. "We could start with a little number called: 'This Smells Like My Penis' and go from there. And if that one sells then we could do the sequel: 'This Smells Like My Sweaty Asscrack with the option of a more classy Eau De Sweaty Balls? Gay dudes might love it? Niche marketing and all that since not that many straight women actually like giving blow jobs. I don't think women will be as randy for the perfume of our version of male genitalia unless we pull a fast one."

Maura chuckles while she steps in between Jane's legs and Jane shivers at the contact, "But neither one of us has a penis so our knowledge of appropriate scents are limited."

Jane smirks, Maura is such a tease but what an appetizer before dinner, "So, tell me when have I ever let a little thing like that stop me? And how hard could it be to capture the essence of unwashed foreskin?"

Maura smiles and shakes her head before leaning in to press her lips against Jane's and if that's Maura's cue for Jane to shut up until dinner is ready then Jane isn't going to be mad about that either. This is the best hill to die on so long as there are no vagina candles around. And it's with that thought in mind Jane decides when the opportunity to low-key dispose of the Goopy candle for trash collection Jane will not fail and consequences be damned if she does get caught. If anything, Jane will work off the seventy-five dollars raking the yard. Since Jane for damn sure doesn't need her appreciation for vagina's thrown off by some egotistical twat who gave up on a month-long Food Stamp Challenge after four days when she realized that she couldn't live like the commoners. And then Goopy just had to make a candle that frankly smells like a burning queef from the lips of a rotten rose.

**_END_**

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**Soundtrack:****"Fire Water Burn" by Bloodhound Gang**

**A/N 2:** **I have never so much as sniffed Gwyneth's candle and I don't want to. I read and watched reviews and that's as close as I ever need to be to the real thing. I don't have any well-off friends so I'm sure I'll never accidently stumble upon one either. Also, I can think of better ways to blow $75 dollars than on a candle. This story is meant to be over the top, vulgar and all that good shit for laughs. Hell, the very idea of Goop is which is what made this story so easy to write.**


	2. Part 2

A/N: Don't ask me why I wrote more. I don't have the answer. Oh wait, I do. Goop is the ultimate smells like bullshit 'gift' that keeps on proving its pimp hand is strong with the easily duped deep wallets crowd. Pro tip: Just assume everything from this point on out is lathered in sarcasm maxed-out as fuck.

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**_Where's The Bleach?_**

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Any other time it would be Frost clacking around on the computer doing his Captain Encryption research thing. Jane is fine with digging through cold case boxes; enduring paper cuts and decaying metal staples that just give up the ghost in her hands and let go of the many pages it was once holding together. The truth is that Jane rarely goes through the annuals of the internet, even to this day. How she manages to not be considered backward as fuck is it's own mystery. Jane's got game though that compliments her mad skills.

Maura still has that ridic-overpriced smelly happy cunting candle. And because of that object Jane has succumbed to educating herself on all the things she's purposefully been depriving herself of when it comes to Goop knowledge. So far, after twenty minutes of looking at the website all Jane can say is that she was better off in her ignorance. A blow to the head would be preferable instead of the articles of information she now possesses in regards to Goop. The madness it seems will never end without a drastic intervention.

Jane puffs out her cheeks and slouches over in her seat and just scrolls down through the insanity that no straitjacket could hold down. Goop actually sells a twenty-four carat gold pendant necklace that's basically a small blinged-out vibrator for rich bitches to wear in plain sight. Jane rolls her eyes at the disclaimer that its also waterproof which is a good thing since Jane was wondering if you could use that thing in your schmancy jacuzzi or sauna. It'd be a shame if it couldn't handle the moisture and throw down like it ought to without shorting out or some such shit.

Sure enough there's a whole section of pretentious sex toys, just like Maura said the other night, and half of them are sold out. Jane has no clue why a person would ever need a gold dildo unless they've got a serious knocking over or up Fort Knox fetish they're just dying to act out. Jane is fairly confident that if she had the bank she'd still never want to insert what amounts to a gold brick up her va-jay-jay to get off. Jane shivers and frowns while she keeps scrolling down the absolute clusterfuck of a website that should be investigated for fraud. But Jane's not trying to be anyone's mom so if they're dumb enough to get took by Goop then all Jane's got to say about that is 'Bye Felicia'.

"Damn! Did you get some baller-ass raise and this is your idea of splurging in secret where Maura won't find out?"

Jane's left hand flies up to her chest as she startles in her chair, "Shit Frost!"

Not many people have ever got the drop on Jane. But then this time around Jane's going to chalk it up to her being too distracted with a side of disgusted. Jane turns around in her seat to find Frost smiling at her while nursing a cup of coffee or covfefe as the worst POTUS in history tweeted out once about the beverage. Maybe. Who knows? It might be code for a pussy grab. Jane wouldn't put it past the man not smart enough to resign like Nixon did. Frost grins and arches an eyebrow over the rim of his mug before taking a drink. Everyone was supposed to be gone already but apparently Frost was hiding out somewhere.

Jane grunts and then pushes a hand through her hair, "Didn't anybody ever tell you that sneaking up on someone is a total dick move."

Frost sits the mug down on the end of Jane's desk, "I'm usually not good with sneaking up on anybody but perps." Jane smirks and leans back in her chair and it makes a low squeaking sound. "So dick move or not, I gotta say I hope you remembered how to actually clear out the history, like I showed you, when you're done."

Jane rolls her eyes, "You know I'm armed right?"

Frost just smiles and runs a hand down his silk tie, "Yeah, but from what I can see you're looking to get strapped in a whole other way, player."

Jane forces out a fake laugh and slaps her thigh, "Oh my Gawd, I''m starting to hurt from laughing so hard!"

Frost smirks while squinting down at the shitshow on display on Jane's monitor, "Goop, huh? Man that's some 1% shit. Maura shop there or are you shopping for her?"

The innuendo is right there. This a 'hold my purse' moment for the girlfriend who wears the pants in the relationship. The fact that Jane is a woman too doesn't change a damn thing either. Jane isn't sure that she's ever going to be wild about that kind of equality she's inadvertently sharing with the straight but hopefully not narrow-minded men of the world.

"Why would she?"

Frost shrugs and rubs his hand behind his neck, "Your number one lady love is...affluent?"

Jane rolls her eyes, "I get the feeling that what you meant to say is my 'nerdy sugar momma', right?"

Frost laughs and Jane follows suit because he's just giving her shit because its what they do. Frost is a great partner. He's still squeamish more often than not though which is damn funny and will never get old to laugh at. But Jane laughs about that quirk of Frost's differently than the others in their department. To his credit, Frost has gotten a thick skin about it all though and to this day it seems like Korsak is the only man left standing who can still get under Frost's skin about a dead body.

Frost moves closer to Jane's desk and then leans down to place his hand on the wireless mouse, "Remember that you said 'sugar momma' and I didn't." Jane grins and swivels in her chair back towards the screen to watch Frost browsing where she left off. The screen scrolls down and Frost clicks on a few things and chuckles under his breath before moving on. Until he just stops and then backtracks. "Whoa, hold up. I thought I saw...nah, it wasn't. Oh, damn. Yeah, it's camel milk. I wasn't seeing things. Good to know."

Jane narrows her eyes at the screen and does a slow blink. It would seem Goop's idea of selling their so not from a cow milk boils down to the facts that their camel milk is light, sweet and clean with a fresh taste. But that the flavor may differ from time to time based on the camel's diet and stage of lactation. Jane represses a shudder at the wording. Lactation just sounds gross and the fact that Jane is capable of that feat too doesn't change anything.

"Oh, come on, camel milk? Really?" Jane turns in her chair enough to meet Frost's smiling face. He's clearly having a good time while Jane is just even more confused on what is wrong with the Hollywood types running around in the world. "Who in their right mind would drink camel milk, assuming that you'd want it? I'd have to be beyond a level of thirst unknown to me before to even consider gargling it."

Frost snorts but then offers up a wry smirk, "I don't know about you but I'd swallow after a sweet hump like that."

Jane makes a face but it's no use to pretend that Frost's words aren't funny because they are. Jane holds her hand lightly over her mouth to mask the urge but she just laughs anyway. Frost moves away from the computer and then pulls off his blazer and goes around to his side of their pushed-together desks. Frost spreads his blazer over the back of his chair and then pulls the chair back around to Jane's side and then sits down.

Frost scoots closer to Jane's computer, "Move over, let me get my click-clack on. I bet I can find us some camel milk advertising money shots."

Jane chuckles and just smiles widely while gesturing like a Price is Right model; turning over the command of the keyboard and mouse with a wave of her hand, while she rolls her chair over a little. Frost shakes his head, grins and then fakes cracking this knuckles. Jane snorts and elbows Frost in the gut hard enough that he releases that satisfying gush of air sound. But in all honesty, if there's Goop money shots to be found Frost will reach in and pull them out of the black hole of the internet. Jane's not sure if she is up for any kind of money shots though and by that she definitely means the kind borne from hardcore porn.

"Snap!" Frost's hand stills on the mouse. "No camel milk sucky-sucky after effects, but goddamn I found a ninety-five dollar sex pillo!" Frost turns his head towards Jane and then winks. "And that's pillow spelled with no dub-ya."

Jane shakes her head and laughs. She has no idea that there's pillows made for fucking. I mean as a girl any pillow, that you can make firm enough, can be something you can grind on to get off. But for some reason Jane is picturing one of those body pillows that pregnant women use once they reach beached whale status. On closer inspection though Jane sees that the so called sex pillow is described as a versatile wedge-shaped soft foam pillow that helps you hit the perfect angle. Jane thinks it's a good thing the pillow's cover is machine washable in case you decide to bare-back your kitty and bean on it. Jane notes that the cover is dark blue which will for damn sure show every cum stain if you're too lazy to wash it. Fabreeze can only do so much.

Jane sniffs, "I feel like our relationship just crossed over something I can't put my finger on."

Frost nods his head and then shrugs, "Hey, I'm cool with it. And on the odd chance Maura leaves you we can give it a go." Jane's eyes go wide and for a second she can't tell if he's fucking with her. "I told you before that I've tried on all sizes except with older women."

Jane rolls her eyes; he's fucking with her alright, "Fuck off, Frost."

Frost pivots away from the computer and throws another half-assed pout in Jane's general direction, "Hey now, it's a bit early for dirty talk." Frost smooths down his tie again. "I just opened up to you and how you gonna do me like that? I ain't no easy win, Jane-Lo. I'm not like the other boys. I need sweet talk and dinner first."

Jane smirks and then with great ease she raises her left hand and extends her middle finger just for Frost's benefit. Barry pouts and then turns his attention back to the selection of get wrecked shit on the good ole Goop site. Jane tucks her dirty bird away and then runs a hand down her face. It's been a long day and Maura already left her underground crypt earlier.

Frost snickers, "Would'ya look at that Goop's got a condom dispenser for a cool $42." Jane rolls her eyes under her hand before looking up at the screen. Of course they do. Jane is in no way surprised that a little square box, that looks like an old fashioned napkin holder, is now a shiny cum catcher holder. Frost shakes his head and frowns. "According to the fine print, Goop approved condoms are not included. That's a bitch. So I think I'll just stick with shopping at Walgreens for all of my cumbrella needs."

Jane snorts, "Oh, gross! You need to stop right there."

Frost turns his head and bats his eyelashes at Jane, "Sure thing, Detective Rizzoli."

Jane elbows Frost again which just provokes another laugh from him while he continues to scroll the website. The only reason Jane even found herself in this staying later after everyone is gone scenario was in the name of signing off on a report. But the trouble started up because Jane needed a break before wrapping up the report and after having her sense of smell threatened by the snatch candle Maura wasted seventy-five dollars on, Jane stupidly decided to investigate. To sarcastically get her Goop on for the sole purpose of making fun it. I mean why not? But Jane didn't account for the Frost factor though.

Jane leans back in her seat and crosses her legs, "You know I've seen some stuff tonight and I honestly can't decide what's the most fucked up thing I've seen." Frost tilts his head to the side and arches an eyebrow at her. "But I've got two contenders. You wanna weigh in?"

Frost rolls his chair to the side and invites Jane to re-assume control, "Hell yeah, take me to church."

Jane chuckles and scoots her chair back to where the divots, left from the rollers, reside in the carpeting. Jane quickly clicks her way off the sexual aides section and to the somehow even more insane wellness section. Jane wastes no time in showing Frost the two items she found disturbing in their sheer outrageousness on so many levels. One of the two items are the Cedes Milano Toothpaste squeezer which is no plastic clip-thingy you can buy at Walmart or Target. No, it looks like a mini replica of a printing press; Ben Franklin would wet himself over it as a tiny concept model. The most pretentious part about the device is not the design but the price.

Frost makes a face, "Goddamn! Two hundred and forty-four dollars for a toothpaste squeezer!"

Jane smirks and then moves on to the next contender, "Brace yourself, it gets worse."

The other item that Jane stumbled upon that left an impression is next at bat. This is also in the health and wellness section which is vast considering how much Goop inventory supposedly fits there. Jane clicks on the affordable Otto automatic joint roller that is fabled to automatically roll the perfect cone-shaped joint. Jane thinks the contraption looks like a toilet paper roll holder. But then what does Jane know about intelligent design?

Frost makes a tsking sound, "A hundred and thirty dollars for...I think we should abandon this planet."

Jane nods and then makes all the appropriate clicks to clear out the browser history so Frost can see she's not so dumb, "Since you feel that way I'll have Maura call Elon."

Frost snorts and turns to grin at Jane, "Was that a flex I heard? Your lil' sugar mama got all the connections?"

Jane pushes away from her desk and then stands up from her seat, "Nope, that was me fucking with you." Jane pulls her blazer off the back of her chair and slips it on. Jane pulls her hair out from under the collar of her blazer. "So you'll have to use the hitchhikers guide to get off this rock."

Frost laughs and yes the joke is dated but who gives a shit. And Jane's going to ignore the jibe about Maura being her sugar mama. Though on the way home Jane may stop at a gas station and buy a Sugar Daddy candy or maybe the Sugar Babies since they're bite-size where a Sugar Daddy is a long slab of caramel on a stick that you have to suck on. Regardless of the sucking, Jane suddenly has a mad craving for the caramel overload and the only thing that will stop her is the gas station not having any. Not even a close expiration date will sway her. And what Maura doesn't know about Jane sneaking candy won't matter when there will be no evidence of any kind.

Frost turns around in his chair, "So you're leaving me? Just like that?"

Jane adjusts the sleeves of her blazer to accommodate the cuffs of button-down shirt. It never hurts to look nice for Maura. Even though when Jane gets home her shirt and all its wrinkles never fail to get Maura's attention but in a far less sexy way that Jane will never secretly covet. But wrinkles aside, there's just something about that look Maura eventually doles out when she can't help herself and starts undressing Jane with her eyes.

Jane places a hand on her heart, "I would never. I'm just giving you some alone time to find out how Goopy you are or can be?"

Frost narrows his eyes, "Goop you!" Jane laugh-snorts which causes Frost to smirk. He will not get the last word. He's already lost this and he doesn't even know it. "Better run along now. Wouldn't want Dr. Isles to have to file a missing persons on her wifey."

Jane nods her head and tucks her hands into her pockets, "I get it. You're jelly as the kids say and that's alright. So I'm going to be the bigger person and pull an Elsa up in here and let it go."

Frost leans back in his seat and folds his hands over his stomach, "I'm gonna buy that Goop joint roller for you the second Mary Jane is legal here."

Jane reaches up and scratches the bridge of her nose, "Okay, just make sure you buy the red one. So I can channel by inner Beavis & Butthead and chant 'fire, fire, fire!' while I'm getting ready to burn one, since being the old lady I am, I'll no doubt have glaucoma by the time this state embraces marijuani-kkah."

Frost laughs and Jane takes that as a job well done in the last word department and on that note it's also time to exit stage left. Jane presses the down button to call the elevator just once instead of a few more times for good measure. It's a habit Maura broke her of slowly and surely. The elevator arrives and the doors open and Jane steps inside but before the elevator doors close Jane hears Frost distinctly mimicking the sound of a whip cracking over and over. Jane closes her eyes and starts counting down from ten while considering if starting a GoFundMe to buy some of those ultra natural dick pills Goop peddles for E.D. would be an unethical reprisal for Frost fucking with her. And he still didn't get the last word since bad sound effects don't count.

**_END_**

* * *

**Soundtrack: "Money" by Pink Floyd**

**A/N 2: I've always loved writing Frost and it's been a while since he's been in some of my silliness. And if you think I'm fucking with you about all the fine Goop items I'm not. It's a scary fact that nothing is embellished for a laugh and that goes double for the price tags. Cha-ching, bish!**


End file.
